The Story in Which I Get Arrested

Yes, this post is long, but how often do you get arrested? Last night a bunch of friends get tickets to the A’s game. We show up an hour early and tailgate in the parking lot. I still have an unopened PBR come game time, and convince Lauren to sneak it into the park. Success.

SCORE:
A’s: 0
Royals: 2
Paul: 1
Security: 1 error

At the game I purchase another beer and some hot dogs. Over the next hour and a half I finish the purchased beer and crack open the smuggled beer. The A’s get a hit - I stand up and yell: “LET’S GO OAKLAND!” When I sit back down I notice that my neighbor has morphed into an Oakland A’s security team member (very little gets past me). I bid adieu to my friends as I’m escorted out, but grow indignant when I learn they have also hauled off my friend Henrik, who couldn’t possibly have done anything wrong.

After repeated protests (“Dude, search him - he doesn’t have any beer!”) I learn that good ol’ Henrik did indeed smuggle a flask in and had indeed been drinking from it.

SCORE:
A’s: 2
Royals: 2
Paul: 1 + 2 errors
Henrik: 1 + 1 error
Security: 2 + 1 error

As they escort us towards the security office, I try my best to maintain good cheer.

“It’s OK, Henrik, we haven’t done anything wrong. Their only beef is that we didn’t PAY for this alcohol. They can throw us out, but they can never stop… THE REVOLUTION!”

We are forcefully seated in the security office. As I wait for the requisite paperwork to arrive, I notice one officer to my right who looks jumpy, and another officer, businesslike but amused, carrying back the hip flask and the beer.

OFFICER AMUSED TO HENRIK: “OK, I’m going to dump this out. Then you can have your flask back”
ME: “Can I get my empty back too?”
-SILENCE-
ME: “You know, for the deposit?”
OFFICER JUMPY: “OK, that’s it! You’re going to get arrested. Have you had anything to drink tonight, son?”
ME: “Uh… like 5 beers?”
JUMPY: “Follow my finger”
ME: “OK…”

Our hero gets cuffed and is put into a small holding tank. The cuffs are loose, and I pull my hands under my bent legs and out in front, in order to text Warren: “They decided to arrest me”. The officer who comes to get me doesn’t seem happy to see that my cuffs aren’t behind me. They fix the problem and throw me into a van with some other dude - a sloppy crying mess. I’m continually asking for a breathalyzer or a field sobriety test.

“Look officer, I know I’m cheeky. But I’m not intoxicated, and I’m not being disorderly.”

All of the officers seem to agree that I’m lucid and not trashed, and assure me that I’ll be out in about 2 hours, and won’t be charged.

Finally, we get taken to jail. They book us, which means they basically take all my stuff, have me remove my belt and shoelaces, gently fondle me, and put me into a holding cell. My cellmate is BOMBED and talking to no one in particular. The cell is uncomfortable: I’m no longer cuffed, but the room is just a little too cold to sleep in, and the only “furniture” is a concrete bench about 16 inches wide. I try to sleep a little (shoes make a pretty good pillow), but it’s rough going. If only I were bombed, I too could just pass out!

2 hours becomes 4 hours becomes 6 hours becomes 12 hours. For the first 3, I keep my spirits up by saying “This will make a good blog entry,” but the last 9 hours are excruciatingly boring. I can, however, tell you that there are 319 non-space characters in the statute printed on the wall granting you 3 phone calls.

I finally get released and charged with some sort of public intoxication, and start the trip of shame home to a hot shower and some food.

Remember kids, don’t be cheeky. All in all, I’d say I probably deserve (lifetime) what I got. I’ve done a lot of crap that would warrant a night in jail, and possibly a charge, so even though I don’t think I did much this time, karma-wise I’m probably due.

Know any good lawyers? Let me know! Want to contribute to the “Paul Defense Fund”? Give to One Acre Fund instead!

FINAL SCORE:
A’s: 3
Royals: 4
Paul: 1 + 3 errors
Henrik: 1 + 1 error
Security: 2 + 1 error
Cops: 100
My future Lawyer: +$2000